The 4 S’s of Attachment Can Be a Metaphor For Fertilizing Our Garden Of Well-Being
When we have experienced secure attachment in childhood and have felt Safe, Soothed, Seen (beyond being seen by the eyes), we cultivate inner and outer Security —- and then as we have times when strong emotions are swirling, we can soothe ourselves with more ease and within less and less time — and inner spaciousness can expand to process our emotions — and new coherent words and actions can arise to express our needs or simply express what we are experiencing .
When you have experienced insecure attachment trauma, repairing inner woundedness expands space to be present with more ease.
When you have experienced the trauma of insecure attachment you have inner scars. Scars are tough fibers and can protect you and scars can be rigid and make you less flexible —with awareness of both qualities, the ability to respond with kind intention rather than react unawarely becomes more flexible. Softly recognizing and integrating the flow of energy and information from my mind, heart, lungs, and gut nurtured my ability to be with the scars with grace and acceptance.
The 4 S’s of secure attachment, posed by Dr. Dan Siegel, Mindsight Institute, is a tool I find very helpful to understand the elements of attachment. For the last several decades, science has illuminated that the unresolved trauma of the caregiver is a critical factor that effects the caregiver’s ability to bring into being a consistent secure attachment relationship with the child. My mother was a good and loving person, and her trauma woundedness interfered with a secure attachment relationship with me.
The 4 S’s include:
Being Safe: Our original caregivers avoided actions and responses that frightened or hurt us. As adults, we can develop an ability to express our emotions and softly develop a sense of trust in our relationships and connections.
Being Seen: According to Dan Siegel’s research, this is not just seeing with the eyes. It is about being perceived deeply and empathically— our caregivers sensing our mind behind our actions and behavior — Being seen: nourishes our ability to feel included, to have a sense of belonging. As adults, we can more easily be in the present moment.
Being soothed and comforted by original caregivers: They helped us deal with difficult emotions and situations. — Being soothed nourishes our embodied ability to soothe ourselves, which cultivates our resilience. As adults, we can softly befriend and regulate our nervous system during difficult or overwhelming times.
Being secure: When we feel secure, we develop an embodied sense of well-being.
The 4S’s of secure attachment can be a metaphor for fertilizing our garden of well-being.
What is well-being? Neuroscience now describes well-being as a set of skills. It’s fundamentally no different than learning to play the piano or ride a bike. From neuroscience research the four key aspects of well-being we experience are: awareness, connection, insight, and purpose.