My Red Sea
My recollections of how mindful awareness helped me to persevere through my experience with breast cancer.
In early spring 2015, I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. I am now nine years well. My original story was written in early 2016 after my post-treatment mammogram — and no disease was detected https://www.lionsroar.com/real-completely-unprepared/
In late April during the first days after the diagnosis, the words of my teacher, Rabbi Alan Lew came to me during a morning sitting meditation…this is real and you are completely unprepared... They’re from the title of his book, This Is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared: The Days of Awe (as in the time period between Rosh Ha Shanah and Yom Kippur) as a Journey of Transformation. Rabbi Lew’s writings drew on stores of Jewish wisdom, as well as a profound psychological awareness borne of his work as a spiritual leader and counselor. Another book he authored was titled, One God Clapping: The Spiritual Path of a Zen Rabbi. Rabbi Lew was a beloved teacher of mine. May his memory be a blessing.
Rabbi Lew’s phrase “completely unprepared” really strikes a deep chord. It names something deep and pervasive in the human psyche. Although we’re not often in touch with this feeling, deep down we all feel unprepared. If we look at our lives honestly, the events that really shape us, that really make us who we are, are the events we didn’t prepare for, or we couldn’t prepare for, like a serious illness, the loss of a loved one, the failure of a relationship, These are the things that really shape our lives.
If it is true, that this is real and you feel completely unprepared, what do you do? What is the next step forward? From a mindfulness perspective, a way to respond to life, including those moments when we feel “completely unprepared” is to simply take slow, deep breaths.
I have had a yoga practice for some 30 years. Through that, and through my work in teacher preparation, I began learning about and using mindfulness practices in my life. During this traumatic time when waves of fear would arise, I was not able to sit in stillness for more than a few minutes. Many moments followed when constructive choices and decisions needed to be made, and I would feel overwhelmed, almost as if I was underwater and not quite able to reach the surface. In those moments, sitting and following my breath and sequences of yoga poses would help me come to the surface. I could imagine my activated amygdala coming to quiet and soothing energy being sent to my pre-frontal cortex, so it could calm my body and help me to begin to think and make decisions. When I felt clear and more able to hear my own voice, I would gather myself to take the next step.
After my last radiation treatment, I went to the Mayyim Hayyim Mikvah (A Jewish ritual for the purpose of spiritual cleansing) to mark the transition between being in treatment and healing. After the embrace of the healing waters of the Mikvah, I had a dream, and Rabbi Alan Lew’s words “This is real and you are completely unprepared” came to me again. The next image was seeing Moses at the edge of the Red Sea. The waters were about to engulf him and the Israelites. I awoke with the thought—has my breast cancer lesion been my moment at the edge of the Red Sea?
What events happened at the edge of the Red Sea? In Exodus ( Hebrew- Sh’mot ) 14:13:15 Moses has a conversation with the Israelites and with God at the edge of the sea.
Rabbi Lew translates verse 14:13:15: But Moses said to the people,
Don’t be afraid — meaning not so much don’t feel afraid, but don’t act on your fear, ( Hebrew- Al tira-u)
Collect yourselves — pull yourself together, take a stand, present yourself, (Hebrew- Hityatzvu)
And see — the salvation that Adonoi (a Hebrew name for God) will make for you today (Hebrew- Uru)… I see this moment as a time when emet — truth, the truth of the experience begins to arise. The stories of our imagination come to quiet, the emotions and sensations in our body begin to settle, and there is some space to see our experience as it really is, which can offer refuge and comfort.
Adonoi will fight for you and you will be still — (Hebrew- tacharishun). I think of the image from my yoga practice, standing in the foundation pose called Mountain Pose, breathing into the soft stillness of my body, as it stands steady.
Then Adonoi said to Moses, Why do you cry out to me? Tell the Israelites to just get going (Hebrew- v’yisa-u).
Rabbi Lew, developed a mindfulness approach to this verse with a Five-Step Program: Don’t Panic, Pull Yourself together, See clearly, Be Still, and Get Going.
These teachings became a guiding force for me through this difficult time. I would sit quietly and breathe in and out. I could hear Rabbi Lew’s words gently guiding me to be still, to feel the waves of fear—to not panic, to not act on my fear—to quiet the stories in my mind so I could more easily see what was real. I have found that when I reach this place of deep stillness, the next action becomes clear. This is a place of surrender. In this place, we can move forward, not necessarily doing the acting ourselves, but giving ourselves over to whatever action the moment requires ———
February 2024 UPDATE
I am now nine years well. I have practiced Mindfulness and Yoga for the last thirty-six years. My intuitive sense is that integrating Mindful Awareness practices into my healing process from breast cancer contributed on many different levels to my recovery, to no recurrence, and to a complete healing.
My mindfulness practices also expanded inner spaciousness for past early attachment trauma memories, which had been frozen in time in my body, to move to the surface of my awareness. As I softly processed and integrated the feelings, sensations, and information from these memories, I reconnected to my wholeness.
After this time, I opened my Trauma Informed Well-Being Coaching Practice.
“Serving makes us aware of our wholeness and its power. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life. “ — Rachel Naomi Remen